1 in 4 pregnancies end due to miscarriage. However, the fact that it affects many people does not take away from the fact that it can be horrible, sad and crisis-like for the person experiencing it. Emotions need to be worked through and this can take time. Do you want to support a friend who has suffered a miscarriage? Good, she needs you! 

Your friend has not only lost her pregnancy, but a child and an entire future that was never meant to be. For some, it's easy to refocus and let go of what has happened, but for others, wonderful dreams of the future abruptly give way to fear, doubt, guilt and loneliness. Below are some tips on how you can be a valuable support and help your friend through a tough period in her life. She will need you. 

Common feelings of a person who has had a miscarriage

It is important to know that your friend probably has a storm of emotions inside them. They can change over time, come and go. From feeling that everything is going to be fine, it can turn around and the sadness suddenly becomes total. What we feel and how we react is individual, but here are some common feelings after a miscarriage:

●  grief

●  Indifference

●  shock

●  Relief

●  Debt

●  Impatience

●  Fear

●  Anger

●  Loneliness

Listen, empathize, affirm

Is your friend clear about what support she needs from you? Good! Accept it gratefully and try to be there in the way she wants. The opposite is probably more common, as it is difficult to know and articulate what support you need during a crisis. Imagine that you are going to accompany her when she tries to describe what it is she needs. That your role now is to make her feel safe, seen and understood.

In case of miscarriage, you can concretely:

●  Tell her that you are always there when she needs you

●  Ask if she knows how she wants your support

●  Listen, listen, listen - if she wants to talk

●  Check in regularly, even if she does not get back to you

●  Tell her that you do not expect anything back from her

●  Confirm that you understand that it is difficult for her, for example by saying:

"I'm sorry this happened to you"

"I know how much this child meant to you"

"I guess you feel very bad now"

Pitfalls when someone you love has a miscarriage

Being a friend to someone who is not feeling well is difficult. You probably want to cheer her up and protect her from what you think might be difficult. However, with the best of intentions, it can go very wrong. Like protecting her by not inviting her to baby-focused events, such as a baby shower or a dinner with pregnant friends. It's true that this will probably trigger difficult feelings for your friend, but even worse is feeling excluded because of the difficult things she's going through. Instead, keep inviting her, but tell her that you understand that it's hard and that it's up to her to decide if she wants to come.

It is also common for us to want to cheer up the person who is feeling bad, for example by saying something that can be seen as positive about the miscarriage. We would advise against this. For the person affected, there is nothing positive about the situation, and the benevolent pep talk can easily be perceived as you not understanding her and the situation she is in.

For example, avoid saying this

●  Miscarriages are very common, nothing to worry about.

●  It was simply not meant to be.

●  That's great, at least now you know you can get pregnant.

●  The child was probably at fault.

●  I'm glad it happened now and not later in the pregnancy.

●  Maybe not the whole world, you already have x children.

Being a support to a person going through a miscarriage is difficult and tricky, but try to remember that it is your friend's feelings that are the focus and they must be allowed to be exactly what they are. Be patient and let her grieve in her own time.